F.E.A.R

A a beautiful post from Nikita Pandya about fear really struck me in the heart and inspired me to compose this writing.

I always imagine myself as courageous woman. I always have this image of myself being able to stand up for every one in need, defending those whose rights have been abused. But I guess, that’s just an illusion. I was not brave at all.

The point where I finally got the nerve to stand up was when I confronted my angry father, who had his fist clenched and punched it to the wall right next to my left ear. I did not blink and I certainly did not try to avoid that fist. I looked him in the eye, and challenged him. I said, ‘Go on, do what you want to do with me. I am not afraid.’ After that we had an endless and pointless argument for about an hour.

I went back to my room and suddenly I started crying. I called my husband, at the time still my boyfriend, and couldn’t say a word. I just cried. He listened to me crying until when I was finally able to control my breathing, I said, “Dad tried to hit me again,” and he said, “Okay. Now what do you want me to do?” and I replied, “Nothing. I’m going to hang up the phone. I love you.”

I think it was the bravest moment in my life that I have ever experienced. When I was a kid, when my father would swing his arm to hit me in the face or wherever he can land his hand upon me, I would not dare to even look him in the eye.

I guess growing up makes me stronger. I guess moving away from the family gave me a different perspective and suddenly I am not a child anymore.

But I am still not fearless. I’m still afraid of things unknown and uncertain. I certainly still afraid of failure. And, oddly enough, I don’t want to lose that feeling. Fear has made me stronger. I’ve known fear for almost my entire childhood. We’re sort of best friends. Without fear, I wouldn’t be able to prepare the worse case scenarios. And therefore, I wouldn’t be able to strategize my steps forward. Fear makes me human.

 

I walk side by side with fear

I acknowledge her being there

Watching me, taunting me

 

It gives me goose bumps

It makes my voice tremble

It discourages my faith

 

Sometime I got beaten

Most of the times I won

 

Fear is not the enemy

Fear is the motivation,

The drive,

To keep on moving forward,

And to dare

Always.

 

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The COME BACK!

I know it’s been a while since I last write

It has been a tough year for me

Especially the last few months

I feel like I want to tell you everything

But I realize it’s pointless

It is also an excuse for not writing

I have been writing, but never thought that they’re worth to publish

And I’ve written various topics as well, I didn’t know where to start

There’s this piece about over-thinking

About the struggle in finding what’s best for you and your family

About the loneliness that sometimes crawling in the most vulnerable moments in our lives

About the new movie series trend

About the anger of not capable to do about the things getting out of our control

About marriage-whether to marry the devil you know or with a new devil

And there is about the difference between working for yourself and for other people

I have no idea where to start.

While I was away from the blogging world, I notice that there are a lot of things going on here as well. And I must admit, that I really like the current system of the blogging university. And I just registered to join the “Branding and Growth Course”. I hope I can get insights and at the same time contribute a little of my experience in the group.

Share your thoughts in the comment on things I should write first. Or better yet, if you can tell me how to organize those pieces into one big piece of writing.

 

Cheers!

Happy International Woman’s Day

I have met a lot of inspiring women in my life. I have worked with one of them, as well. My father thought maybe I should be borned as a boy, because of my boyish look and my lack of feminine features-soft spoken, not too critical, over-independent, and not wearing make ups, etc. But I have never regret it. 

Growing up, I am told that being a true woman I should do this and that, talk in certain way, think in certain way, should oblige the men, should show respect for the men, should not eat much, should look lean, should not get high education so I don’t scare the men and I would get husband quicker, should be able to cook, manage all domestic chores, and I could go on until tomorrow… But I am tired with all that ‘requirements’. Why should I respect anyone-not just men-who simply doesn’t deserve any respect? Why should I just oblige to whatever people say, just because they have more authority upon me? Besides, who has power over a person but that person itself? There are people living in the same roof, so why only women who should bear responsibilities for domestic chores? Why should I walk with my legs tight together and spread apart? Why should I not eat what I want to, when I want to? Why should I not exercise and build muscle if I want to? Why should I have certain physical requirements just to be called ‘beautiful’? Those questions bother me since I was a teenager and woke the rebel part of me. I hate stereotyping. It belittles human. 

So I chose not to follow the ‘rules’. I chose to be happy for who I am. I chose to embrace me. 

You should too. 

To all women.

Cheers