Clinging on The Cracked Foundation

 

There are times in life when things don’t go as planned and are so unexpected. At times like this, I often blame myself and get angry at myself, sometimes even at the uncontrolled situation. Lately, I even want to run away and trade this life with something new. After an investment gone wrong last July, now I may have been a victim of a fraud. I was so desperate to get extra job, so I made an agreement with a person in Mali who wanted to hire me to translate her book. But then things got weird, such as I need to pay for a deposit of guarantee-this is they (the bank in Mali) said as a guarantee that the fund transferred to my account is not for money laundering or pay for terrorist activities-and a tax certificate. I double checked with the lady hiring me, who, at that time, was in Morocco attending her sick son, and she said to do what the bank’s said (after she herself swearing at the complication of the process and apologized for that matter) and sent me a scanned passport of hers. I have to tell you that she is a respectable person in her country-she was a former Minister and former leader of United Nation’s organization. After a few weeks, there was no transfer from Mali and when I checked, they said they have problems with the currency conversion. And I had to make another payment to solve the problem. I did not want to make any more payments for things that clearly are not my responsibilities. Unfortunately, the lady who hired me is ‘inconsolable’-quoting the bank-as her sick son passed away, hence, she cannot be reached and won’t give any response. The bank said that if I refuse to pay, the payments I’ve made earlier will be gone. Non-refundable. So, I asked the bank to give me proof/receipt of the transfer that they claimed to have done, but of course, they did not response.

So here I am, writing a post sharing bitter experience and I just hope that probably the readers learn from my mistakes or even give advice to me about what to do next.

I guess, despite all the efforts we take to make things better, we also need to be extra careful on determining that efforts. I learned that I need to have calm and careful approach in finding solutions. I was angry at the situation, at the universe, because all I wanted to do-with the investments, with the job in Mali-is to save extra money so I can pursue higher education. I cannot only rely on scholarships. And most of all, the thing that makes me even more angry is that I am a hard worker, I do good, I volunteer.

So this, my friends, is my turning point. Life is unfair, I know it, you know it. With all of this problems, all I know is to keep moving forward. Even though it’s so hard to get out of bed, to look at myself in the mirror, to go to work and face the day, but this too, shall pass. I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but surely my foundation cracked to pieces and I can only cling there hoping it won’t get any worse than this.

 

F.E.A.R

A a beautiful post from Nikita Pandya about fear really struck me in the heart and inspired me to compose this writing.

I always imagine myself as courageous woman. I always have this image of myself being able to stand up for every one in need, defending those whose rights have been abused. But I guess, that’s just an illusion. I was not brave at all.

The point where I finally got the nerve to stand up was when I confronted my angry father, who had his fist clenched and punched it to the wall right next to my left ear. I did not blink and I certainly did not try to avoid that fist. I looked him in the eye, and challenged him. I said, ‘Go on, do what you want to do with me. I am not afraid.’ After that we had an endless and pointless argument for about an hour.

I went back to my room and suddenly I started crying. I called my husband, at the time still my boyfriend, and couldn’t say a word. I just cried. He listened to me crying until when I was finally able to control my breathing, I said, “Dad tried to hit me again,” and he said, “Okay. Now what do you want me to do?” and I replied, “Nothing. I’m going to hang up the phone. I love you.”

I think it was the bravest moment in my life that I have ever experienced. When I was a kid, when my father would swing his arm to hit me in the face or wherever he can land his hand upon me, I would not dare to even look him in the eye.

I guess growing up makes me stronger. I guess moving away from the family gave me a different perspective and suddenly I am not a child anymore.

But I am still not fearless. I’m still afraid of things unknown and uncertain. I certainly still afraid of failure. And, oddly enough, I don’t want to lose that feeling. Fear has made me stronger. I’ve known fear for almost my entire childhood. We’re sort of best friends. Without fear, I wouldn’t be able to prepare the worse case scenarios. And therefore, I wouldn’t be able to strategize my steps forward. Fear makes me human.

 

I walk side by side with fear

I acknowledge her being there

Watching me, taunting me

 

It gives me goose bumps

It makes my voice tremble

It discourages my faith

 

Sometime I got beaten

Most of the times I won

 

Fear is not the enemy

Fear is the motivation,

The drive,

To keep on moving forward,

And to dare

Always.

 

When We Are Tied To Commitments

Commitment binds us. It is unavoidable. Just name it, relationships, debts, work, study, even your passion demands your commitment and thus bind you to it.
While some of us may see commitment burdening, some of us see it as a learning process to grow. You may have different feelings about it, as well.

My first encounter with commitment was when I was very little. My parents taught me that if I want something, I have to work my way to get it. I have to set out some plans, be committed and focus. As an adult now I have extra commitments. To pay the bills, to excel in my job, to be a good wife and partner, and what-not.

And it’s not a joke when my parents said that I have to work my way to get what I want. From saving money even though that would mean I won’t have lunch to work double job here and there to save enough so I could live the next day. I felt I was under a lot of pressure and I had to crawl my way up through college and finally establish myself as professional translator&interpreter. It was one of the hardest times in my life.

So yeah, commitment sounds sucks. Why should we bind ourselves to the never ending consequences? We should be free, live happy, right? We should be able to enjoy what we earned and let’s not care about the people surrounding us. Let’s not buy our parents something nice, or give some clothes for the poor, or provide some of our time to serve others in need. I work hard, I did my part, so should everybody else. We all should do whatever we want. Right?

Wrong. Continue reading “When We Are Tied To Commitments”

Happy New Year 2016

  
I wish you all a happy New Year! May the sadness, disappointment, failure in 2015 make us stronger to face new challenges in 2016; and may all the joy and happiness and success we were able to enjoy make us even more kind-hearted and willing to share with others.

The year 2015 was a rough year for me. I have learned my lessons, regret all my mistakes, and it is now the time to move forward with all great new wisdom. 

Let us all raise our cups, for we have survived all the downs and ups, and we shall rejoice of the new chances and hopes ahead of us. 

Have a blessed new journey! 

Ambar

Hopes and Fears

Looking forward I often wonder

What have I done to achieve my goal

Backwards only fill me with fear

March on is what I need to appeal

Life is not to be wasted on

Regret remorse contrition

This life should be lived in

Rejoice triumph celebration

Hopes and fears make us sane

Balance challenge, love pain

Through the worst and best

To keep on fighting is behest

Last Day in April

She woke up feeling thirsty. The ray of the morning sun finds its way to light up the room through the lattice of her window blinds. Her head is still heavy and her feet… damn, her feet’s too lazy to even stand up. She almost literally drags herself to the dining table and pour some water to her glass. She gulps as she’s refreshed from the sleepiness and laziness.

Her phone buzzes and there is a message from one of her best friends. Ah, she doesn’t want to continue to listen to the same story over and over again. If you don’t love him anymore, just admit it already and break up with him! What’s the point of making him feel all guilty when he did nothing wrong? Well, he did, but you forgave him already! She ignores the message, walks to her terrace and just stands there, bathing under the bright shiny morning sun.

The phone keeps buzzing, so she heads back inside and there are two more messages: one from her boyfriend and one from her other bestfriend. She reads the one from her lover first.

“Hi honey, I’m gonna have to cancel our date tonight. Gotta an important meeting with the big boss. Don’t be mad, please. I’ll make it up to you. Love u so much!”

Yeah, somehow I knew it. “Love you too, Monkey.”

“Hey, good morning! Listen, last night I didn’t get a chance to tell you how grateful I am for all things that’s ever happened to me. I think God can speak through everything, right? As long as we keep our ears and heart wide open.”

Oh gosh, not this religious stuff again! I’m happy that you find your faith such a live-saver, and I am truly happy that you’re happy and feeling blessed, etc. But I really appreciate it if you can keep it to yourself. “Hey, morning to you, too, T. I’m happy for you. I always knew you wanted to say that, had a dream about it last night. Just kid. Have great day, love.”

She sighs. No one’s even bother asking about her plans for the day, asking her to grab lunch or go for a quick shopping. Everybody is either put her in second priority or bombarding her with their quotes and love stories. It’s her typical day. After she takes some more time showering under the sun, she starts her normal day. But she can’t turn off everything just like that. everything swirls up in her mind. She thought about her friends who is having difficulties moving on because her boyfriend lied to her and she’s now caught in the middle of love and hate issues. Her other friend just found a some-what moment of epiphany and thinks that she has made all the right choices after all, because it’s what God would have wanted her to do. And then her boyfriend. Yeah, Michael is always ambitious and focused. He’s currently working on a big advertising project and wants to impress his big boss so he could get a promotion, because he didn’t get his promotion last year. Everything is related to each of their past experience.

The past is either drag them down, motivate them, or totally change their perspective on life. She also experienced similar thing earlier this month. She thought to herself, this month has taught me a lot of friendship. No matter how hard the past is, no matter how strange we could come out of the trouble and move on with our lives, friendship is the one thing that helps me get through with all trials of life. No matter how I feel this morning–no one ask me about my plans or my smart boyfriend just cancelled our date night–I need them. They are my friends. And as a good friend, I have to support them like they did to me. 

She continues to walk in the pavement when someone grabs her waist and give her the warmest kiss. Surprised, she wants to quickly pull back her body and tries to get off. But the scent…the perfume… she recognises it. She opens her eyes gently and see the bright green eyes belong to her dearest lover.

“Do you really think that I am going to let my most beloved woman starts her day frowning because I had to cancel our date?” She laughs and pulls him closer to her chest.

“No, I should’ve known you’re the best man I’ve ever dated.” They giggle and walk down the pavement; their arms around each other’s waist.

I am still going to make it all up to you, hon. I promise.  Those are his last words before they separate at the train station. I’m looking forward to it. Better you treat me with something expensive. They giggle again, and walk separately.

When she’s in her office, she reads the text messages from her friends that are sent when she’s in the subway.

“Hahaha! You are my best friend, indeed! Lunch? It’s on me. I have to go on your street for some errand. I don’t take no for an answer. Love, T.” Huh. She reads my mind, eh?

“Sure! see you at 12.”

Sent.

“Hey, sorry for bothering you all the time with all my complaints. I was so confused, and I know it’s all up to my decision. I guess I need to think with cool water, and not tequila. Thanks for everything, boo.” Wow, and she reads my mind as well! 

“Anytime, babe. You know we always have each other. Yes, less tequila more fresh water, pleeeeaassseeeee… xoxo”

Last day in April. Turns out everything is beautiful in the end, and she, too, has a lot to be grateful for.

*recreate for Writing 101 day 17.