Life is Beautiful

I first heard and understood the word ‘aesthetics‘ when I was an undergraduate. There was one subject called Aesthetics and I remember that I was in my fourth semester when I took a subject for students in sixth semester. It was only the two of us, my friend and I.

We were taught a lot about the history, the philosophical background, from western to eastern perspectives. And I was so amazed how everything is so…’tergantung perspektif’.

And I remember that nearing the end of the semester we had tonwatch the movie, Life is Beautiful. It was about a father, a man, trying to keep his family together and to fulfill what he’s meant to do in this life.

From the class I learned that if we change the way we see things, we can get different impression. I remember I was asked to tell the class about an aesthetical moment I have had in my life. And I told the class about the day when the bus that took 20 other students and I got into an accident and we had to wait for hours on the streets for the replacing bus. We were tired from 3 nights gymboree and starving and cold. But we take the guitar, empty bottles, and we sing a song. We sing along until the sun is up and the bus came. For a split second I remember that I feel like I’m home, I feel happy despite all the bad mood. I told the class that that split second was my aesthetical experience.

The movie life is beautiful reminds me of that event. The upside of life gives me joy and brings happiness. The downside of life helps me grow even taller to be a better person. And when I go back to the upside cycle, I become  more humble and I appreciate all the little things that make life worth living even more.

I guess, the two-up and down-complete each other and without one presence, we can lose the balance.

via Daily Prompt: Aesthetic

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Recovering from Over-thinking

what does it feel like when you’ve always been telling your friends, “hey, stop overthinking or you’ll stressed out,” and it turns out that you are an overthinker?

i was shocked.

seven months ago, my world almost collapsed from its center and I don’t know what to do. first, denial. then, slowly I get to accept the bitter truth.

So, I’m an overthinker. now what?

I was fortunate enough my psychologist, though hundreds miles away from me, she’s been supportive and sent me links and suggestions how to manage my thoughts.

The yoga sessions I have had contributed a lot to help me minimise the crazy thoughts. I somehow gain the availability to be a spectator of my own mind swirling in chaos. I don’t usually able to stay in this state for a long time, but enough to see what it’s like. And it’s… dark. so dark, I can’t even begin to imagine how I’ve lived until now with such darkness inside of me.

During the first weeks, I was busy figuring out how to stop. But then I figured, it’s almost impossible to stop completely, as my brain is wired that way. But I don’t want to give in and justify this negative thoughts controlling my life.

So this is what I learned. Surrender.

I know. it may sound like I’m giving in, right? But actually, surrender in this context is first and foremost, accept that I have an issue. I have a problem, I have this huge flaw I have never known in my life before. And then, as I said earlier, it’s so hard to completely stop, so I identify what mood, what events, what situations that may trigger my overthinking. Once I managed that, I know how to handle and react or even prevent that from happening. One of the causes is uncomfortable feeling especially when things don’t go as planned. I usually, almost instantly, fall into the trap of thinking, “why fate does not favor me? why am I the one to sacrifice things? why should I be feeling disappointed all the time?” and the thoughts go on and on and on… endless, harmful. So when that situation occur, I try to surrender. not to the negative thoughts, but to the flow and the following chain of events. I’m letting the universe work, rather than controlling the universe. What will be, will be. And I keep telling myself, it’s not my fault, it’s not because I was unfortunate, it’s not the determination that I won’t be able to get the opportunities, it doesn’t mean I’m a loser. It’s just not meant to be at that time, for that occasion.

Once I cut the chain of reactions of the negative thoughts, and this is also combined by awareness breathing, I start to feel okay. Everything’s fine, it’s not the end of the world. And then I start to smile. Smile is good. Smile is healthy. Happy thoughts slowly pops in my head. and then I laugh and just like that, I don’t overthink.

I still need a lot of practise, but this proves that it’s possible. I can control this.

After a while I realise that the complexity of how my mind works can be beneficial as well. I like plans, this helps me to organize all my ideas and thoughts and I am able to have a bit of control over the consequences. And this mind of mine works amazingly when it comes to detail. So this is another homework for me: channeling thoughts into positive ideas, positive work, and creating creative ideas from this complex web.

Be happy.

always.

 

 

F.E.A.R

A a beautiful post from Nikita Pandya about fear really struck me in the heart and inspired me to compose this writing.

I always imagine myself as courageous woman. I always have this image of myself being able to stand up for every one in need, defending those whose rights have been abused. But I guess, that’s just an illusion. I was not brave at all.

The point where I finally got the nerve to stand up was when I confronted my angry father, who had his fist clenched and punched it to the wall right next to my left ear. I did not blink and I certainly did not try to avoid that fist. I looked him in the eye, and challenged him. I said, ‘Go on, do what you want to do with me. I am not afraid.’ After that we had an endless and pointless argument for about an hour.

I went back to my room and suddenly I started crying. I called my husband, at the time still my boyfriend, and couldn’t say a word. I just cried. He listened to me crying until when I was finally able to control my breathing, I said, “Dad tried to hit me again,” and he said, “Okay. Now what do you want me to do?” and I replied, “Nothing. I’m going to hang up the phone. I love you.”

I think it was the bravest moment in my life that I have ever experienced. When I was a kid, when my father would swing his arm to hit me in the face or wherever he can land his hand upon me, I would not dare to even look him in the eye.

I guess growing up makes me stronger. I guess moving away from the family gave me a different perspective and suddenly I am not a child anymore.

But I am still not fearless. I’m still afraid of things unknown and uncertain. I certainly still afraid of failure. And, oddly enough, I don’t want to lose that feeling. Fear has made me stronger. I’ve known fear for almost my entire childhood. We’re sort of best friends. Without fear, I wouldn’t be able to prepare the worse case scenarios. And therefore, I wouldn’t be able to strategize my steps forward. Fear makes me human.

 

I walk side by side with fear

I acknowledge her being there

Watching me, taunting me

 

It gives me goose bumps

It makes my voice tremble

It discourages my faith

 

Sometime I got beaten

Most of the times I won

 

Fear is not the enemy

Fear is the motivation,

The drive,

To keep on moving forward,

And to dare

Always.

 

The COME BACK!

I know it’s been a while since I last write

It has been a tough year for me

Especially the last few months

I feel like I want to tell you everything

But I realize it’s pointless

It is also an excuse for not writing

I have been writing, but never thought that they’re worth to publish

And I’ve written various topics as well, I didn’t know where to start

There’s this piece about over-thinking

About the struggle in finding what’s best for you and your family

About the loneliness that sometimes crawling in the most vulnerable moments in our lives

About the new movie series trend

About the anger of not capable to do about the things getting out of our control

About marriage-whether to marry the devil you know or with a new devil

And there is about the difference between working for yourself and for other people

I have no idea where to start.

While I was away from the blogging world, I notice that there are a lot of things going on here as well. And I must admit, that I really like the current system of the blogging university. And I just registered to join the “Branding and Growth Course”. I hope I can get insights and at the same time contribute a little of my experience in the group.

Share your thoughts in the comment on things I should write first. Or better yet, if you can tell me how to organize those pieces into one big piece of writing.

 

Cheers!

When We Are Tied To Commitments

Commitment binds us. It is unavoidable. Just name it, relationships, debts, work, study, even your passion demands your commitment and thus bind you to it.
While some of us may see commitment burdening, some of us see it as a learning process to grow. You may have different feelings about it, as well.

My first encounter with commitment was when I was very little. My parents taught me that if I want something, I have to work my way to get it. I have to set out some plans, be committed and focus. As an adult now I have extra commitments. To pay the bills, to excel in my job, to be a good wife and partner, and what-not.

And it’s not a joke when my parents said that I have to work my way to get what I want. From saving money even though that would mean I won’t have lunch to work double job here and there to save enough so I could live the next day. I felt I was under a lot of pressure and I had to crawl my way up through college and finally establish myself as professional translator&interpreter. It was one of the hardest times in my life.

So yeah, commitment sounds sucks. Why should we bind ourselves to the never ending consequences? We should be free, live happy, right? We should be able to enjoy what we earned and let’s not care about the people surrounding us. Let’s not buy our parents something nice, or give some clothes for the poor, or provide some of our time to serve others in need. I work hard, I did my part, so should everybody else. We all should do whatever we want. Right?

Wrong. Continue reading “When We Are Tied To Commitments”