what does it feel like when you’ve always been telling your friends, “hey, stop overthinking or you’ll stressed out,” and it turns out that you are an overthinker?
i was shocked.
seven months ago, my world almost collapsed from its center and I don’t know what to do. first, denial. then, slowly I get to accept the bitter truth.
So, I’m an overthinker. now what?
I was fortunate enough my psychologist, though hundreds miles away from me, she’s been supportive and sent me links and suggestions how to manage my thoughts.
The yoga sessions I have had contributed a lot to help me minimise the crazy thoughts. I somehow gain the availability to be a spectator of my own mind swirling in chaos. I don’t usually able to stay in this state for a long time, but enough to see what it’s like. And it’s… dark. so dark, I can’t even begin to imagine how I’ve lived until now with such darkness inside of me.
During the first weeks, I was busy figuring out how to stop. But then I figured, it’s almost impossible to stop completely, as my brain is wired that way. But I don’t want to give in and justify this negative thoughts controlling my life.
So this is what I learned. Surrender.
I know. it may sound like I’m giving in, right? But actually, surrender in this context is first and foremost, accept that I have an issue. I have a problem, I have this huge flaw I have never known in my life before. And then, as I said earlier, it’s so hard to completely stop, so I identify what mood, what events, what situations that may trigger my overthinking. Once I managed that, I know how to handle and react or even prevent that from happening. One of the causes is uncomfortable feeling especially when things don’t go as planned. I usually, almost instantly, fall into the trap of thinking, “why fate does not favor me? why am I the one to sacrifice things? why should I be feeling disappointed all the time?” and the thoughts go on and on and on… endless, harmful. So when that situation occur, I try to surrender. not to the negative thoughts, but to the flow and the following chain of events. I’m letting the universe work, rather than controlling the universe. What will be, will be. And I keep telling myself, it’s not my fault, it’s not because I was unfortunate, it’s not the determination that I won’t be able to get the opportunities, it doesn’t mean I’m a loser. It’s just not meant to be at that time, for that occasion.
Once I cut the chain of reactions of the negative thoughts, and this is also combined by awareness breathing, I start to feel okay. Everything’s fine, it’s not the end of the world. And then I start to smile. Smile is good. Smile is healthy. Happy thoughts slowly pops in my head. and then I laugh and just like that, I don’t overthink.
I still need a lot of practise, but this proves that it’s possible. I can control this.
After a while I realise that the complexity of how my mind works can be beneficial as well. I like plans, this helps me to organize all my ideas and thoughts and I am able to have a bit of control over the consequences. And this mind of mine works amazingly when it comes to detail. So this is another homework for me: channeling thoughts into positive ideas, positive work, and creating creative ideas from this complex web.