An Invitation To Go Home

I remember when I was a kid, on sixth grade if i’m not mistakenly remember, I got a birthday party invitation from a friend. The address was: APT Gandaria. My cousin, he’s about 10 years older, drove me to the party. We were unable to find the location as the phrase APT was such a mystery. After three times got lost into the wrong neighborhood, we finally solved the mystery–APT stands for Apartment. Back then apartments were not as many as today, so we were not aware/familiar with the acronym. That was an invitation that was like a mystery.
After attending more birthday parties during my pubescent age, I learned that there are other kinds of invitation-work interview. My first work interview was in 2009, I was an undergrad, looking for extra money so I applied to a study center on campus to be a secretary. I remember I was nervous, so briefed myself about possible questions and what the best answers were. I was a bit stammered in the beginning but then got my confidence. I ended up working there for two years. That was an invitation that was like a life lesson.
I got so good at working interviews, as time goes by. I’m almost always able to steal the interviewer’s heart and they end up recruting me. But, there were times when I failed as well. And these times were the best lessons:sometimes it’s not because you’re not good, it’s just because you’re not meant to be there. After trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life, I work my way through, and still am. And you know how time flies, right? How you got so deep in your own little circle, building a life you think was righy for you. Until one day, everything you have done to create your own life and happiness just collapsed in front of you. Yep. Just like that.

And here comes a new invitation. A call for going ‘home’. In your exhaustion, your desperation, you need someone there to tell you everything’s going to OK. Someone who hug you, who lifts you up. And when you get older this circle of friends is getting smaller. And your bestest friend is just so far away from you.

I pray. I realize that it’s just not possible for me to handle all things by myself. That it’s just impossible to understand why good, hard working, honest and caring people will still end up falling apart and ‘losing’. I choose to believe that there’s this greater power that control chain of events and all I can do is to just surrender. So I pray. I go back home, collecting the pieces of my broken heart, finding myself, accepting the bitter truth that I just… have to start all over again. It’s not easy. But being grounded, finding the center of your life again is truly a blessing. And it’s just come to my understanding, which is probably hypothetical or even a paradox, that no matter what your problems are, they’re just temporary. They’re just reminders of what other important, more urgent matters you need to do. And then, sooner than you had expected, you’ll get back to normal. Things starting to change and it all comes back to you.

This is an invitation to realize what is truly essential in life.

via Daily Prompt: Invitation

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F.E.A.R

A a beautiful post from Nikita Pandya about fear really struck me in the heart and inspired me to compose this writing.

I always imagine myself as courageous woman. I always have this image of myself being able to stand up for every one in need, defending those whose rights have been abused. But I guess, that’s just an illusion. I was not brave at all.

The point where I finally got the nerve to stand up was when I confronted my angry father, who had his fist clenched and punched it to the wall right next to my left ear. I did not blink and I certainly did not try to avoid that fist. I looked him in the eye, and challenged him. I said, ‘Go on, do what you want to do with me. I am not afraid.’ After that we had an endless and pointless argument for about an hour.

I went back to my room and suddenly I started crying. I called my husband, at the time still my boyfriend, and couldn’t say a word. I just cried. He listened to me crying until when I was finally able to control my breathing, I said, “Dad tried to hit me again,” and he said, “Okay. Now what do you want me to do?” and I replied, “Nothing. I’m going to hang up the phone. I love you.”

I think it was the bravest moment in my life that I have ever experienced. When I was a kid, when my father would swing his arm to hit me in the face or wherever he can land his hand upon me, I would not dare to even look him in the eye.

I guess growing up makes me stronger. I guess moving away from the family gave me a different perspective and suddenly I am not a child anymore.

But I am still not fearless. I’m still afraid of things unknown and uncertain. I certainly still afraid of failure. And, oddly enough, I don’t want to lose that feeling. Fear has made me stronger. I’ve known fear for almost my entire childhood. We’re sort of best friends. Without fear, I wouldn’t be able to prepare the worse case scenarios. And therefore, I wouldn’t be able to strategize my steps forward. Fear makes me human.

 

I walk side by side with fear

I acknowledge her being there

Watching me, taunting me

 

It gives me goose bumps

It makes my voice tremble

It discourages my faith

 

Sometime I got beaten

Most of the times I won

 

Fear is not the enemy

Fear is the motivation,

The drive,

To keep on moving forward,

And to dare

Always.

 

Happy New Year 2016

  
I wish you all a happy New Year! May the sadness, disappointment, failure in 2015 make us stronger to face new challenges in 2016; and may all the joy and happiness and success we were able to enjoy make us even more kind-hearted and willing to share with others.

The year 2015 was a rough year for me. I have learned my lessons, regret all my mistakes, and it is now the time to move forward with all great new wisdom. 

Let us all raise our cups, for we have survived all the downs and ups, and we shall rejoice of the new chances and hopes ahead of us. 

Have a blessed new journey! 

Ambar

Love Hate Love Hate Love

I saw the graffiti of ‘love hate love hate love’ is quite common on the streets of Yogyakarta. I didn’t know what the artist really meant by that. I still have no clue till now.

I like to think that between love and hate, there’s only one thin line that separates them. When we love someone or something too much and when they disappoint us or hurt us, that love would turn into hate quickly. On the contrary, what once we hated so much, it could show us its other side of the coin and we could fall in love.

How much hate are you feeling right now? And how much love? Which one is bigger? Do you let it consume you, or do you tend to control it?

My first attempt in writing something under Hate theme, I went on and on about all the things I hate about my childhood. And then it made me cry all night. It made me feel all those painful events all over again. The weird part is, as I am getting older, the more detail I remember. All of a sudden I realize how it will never go away. It stays. It leaves a big scar. But I don’t have to weep every time I’m reminded that I have such big scar.

For some time now I have been trying how to write hate in a different perspective.

Hate makes people kill.

Hate consumes people, makes people blindsided.

Hate makes human souls rot and suggest it to do evil.

Hate makes human pale, unhappy, scared of.

Hate lets people justify all the wrongdoings.

Hate takes away source of life: light, peace, smile, laughter, love.

So I don’t want to linger there. Yes, I acknowledge that we shouldn’t ignore or pretend that we don’t feel it. I did embrace that hatred, because I believe that the only way out is through.

Instead I wrote down the blessings from my bad childhood:

I grew up to be a strong, resilient, and independent woman.

There is nothing life throws at me that I can’t catch and throw back even harder.

Hopes and Fears

Looking forward I often wonder

What have I done to achieve my goal

Backwards only fill me with fear

March on is what I need to appeal

Life is not to be wasted on

Regret remorse contrition

This life should be lived in

Rejoice triumph celebration

Hopes and fears make us sane

Balance challenge, love pain

Through the worst and best

To keep on fighting is behest

Last Day in April

She woke up feeling thirsty. The ray of the morning sun finds its way to light up the room through the lattice of her window blinds. Her head is still heavy and her feet… damn, her feet’s too lazy to even stand up. She almost literally drags herself to the dining table and pour some water to her glass. She gulps as she’s refreshed from the sleepiness and laziness.

Her phone buzzes and there is a message from one of her best friends. Ah, she doesn’t want to continue to listen to the same story over and over again. If you don’t love him anymore, just admit it already and break up with him! What’s the point of making him feel all guilty when he did nothing wrong? Well, he did, but you forgave him already! She ignores the message, walks to her terrace and just stands there, bathing under the bright shiny morning sun.

The phone keeps buzzing, so she heads back inside and there are two more messages: one from her boyfriend and one from her other bestfriend. She reads the one from her lover first.

“Hi honey, I’m gonna have to cancel our date tonight. Gotta an important meeting with the big boss. Don’t be mad, please. I’ll make it up to you. Love u so much!”

Yeah, somehow I knew it. “Love you too, Monkey.”

“Hey, good morning! Listen, last night I didn’t get a chance to tell you how grateful I am for all things that’s ever happened to me. I think God can speak through everything, right? As long as we keep our ears and heart wide open.”

Oh gosh, not this religious stuff again! I’m happy that you find your faith such a live-saver, and I am truly happy that you’re happy and feeling blessed, etc. But I really appreciate it if you can keep it to yourself. “Hey, morning to you, too, T. I’m happy for you. I always knew you wanted to say that, had a dream about it last night. Just kid. Have great day, love.”

She sighs. No one’s even bother asking about her plans for the day, asking her to grab lunch or go for a quick shopping. Everybody is either put her in second priority or bombarding her with their quotes and love stories. It’s her typical day. After she takes some more time showering under the sun, she starts her normal day. But she can’t turn off everything just like that. everything swirls up in her mind. She thought about her friends who is having difficulties moving on because her boyfriend lied to her and she’s now caught in the middle of love and hate issues. Her other friend just found a some-what moment of epiphany and thinks that she has made all the right choices after all, because it’s what God would have wanted her to do. And then her boyfriend. Yeah, Michael is always ambitious and focused. He’s currently working on a big advertising project and wants to impress his big boss so he could get a promotion, because he didn’t get his promotion last year. Everything is related to each of their past experience.

The past is either drag them down, motivate them, or totally change their perspective on life. She also experienced similar thing earlier this month. She thought to herself, this month has taught me a lot of friendship. No matter how hard the past is, no matter how strange we could come out of the trouble and move on with our lives, friendship is the one thing that helps me get through with all trials of life. No matter how I feel this morning–no one ask me about my plans or my smart boyfriend just cancelled our date night–I need them. They are my friends. And as a good friend, I have to support them like they did to me. 

She continues to walk in the pavement when someone grabs her waist and give her the warmest kiss. Surprised, she wants to quickly pull back her body and tries to get off. But the scent…the perfume… she recognises it. She opens her eyes gently and see the bright green eyes belong to her dearest lover.

“Do you really think that I am going to let my most beloved woman starts her day frowning because I had to cancel our date?” She laughs and pulls him closer to her chest.

“No, I should’ve known you’re the best man I’ve ever dated.” They giggle and walk down the pavement; their arms around each other’s waist.

I am still going to make it all up to you, hon. I promise.  Those are his last words before they separate at the train station. I’m looking forward to it. Better you treat me with something expensive. They giggle again, and walk separately.

When she’s in her office, she reads the text messages from her friends that are sent when she’s in the subway.

“Hahaha! You are my best friend, indeed! Lunch? It’s on me. I have to go on your street for some errand. I don’t take no for an answer. Love, T.” Huh. She reads my mind, eh?

“Sure! see you at 12.”

Sent.

“Hey, sorry for bothering you all the time with all my complaints. I was so confused, and I know it’s all up to my decision. I guess I need to think with cool water, and not tequila. Thanks for everything, boo.” Wow, and she reads my mind as well! 

“Anytime, babe. You know we always have each other. Yes, less tequila more fresh water, pleeeeaassseeeee… xoxo”

Last day in April. Turns out everything is beautiful in the end, and she, too, has a lot to be grateful for.

*recreate for Writing 101 day 17.